They said God wanted to use me, so I ran away.
Wait, before you raise your brows, I’m not saying God wants me to be a pastor.
One of the problems I had with writing this story was the fact that I had to write a lot of things about myself in the past tense. I guess I don’t have a choice, so let’s go.
Coming to a university that is very far from home meant one thing for me—freedom. Freedom from what? One would think that I wanted the freedom to do anything I like, go to parties, become friends with the people they usually warn us against, forget the daughter of who I am, and be full of vices, but no, it was freedom to go to church, pray, and evangelize as much as I wanted without being told that I was doing too much.
My mum had issues with me spending too much time in church, attending Christian meetings, going for church events, praying in tongues, etc.
Me: Mum, I want to attend this programme at XYZ church
Mum: Not under my watch; are you the only Christian alive? Why can’t you just stay in one place?
Imagine you and your mum having a lot of issues because of things related to church. That’s the freedom I wanted; I wanted to be free enough to go to whatever church I wanted. I thought being at home wasn’t allowing me to grow spiritually; even though that was true, it was not entirely correct.
My mum would later remind me of these things and ask me why I stopped doing them.
I actually really enjoyed attending Christian meetings; it was the only place and still the only place I’ve felt like I belonged. It is edifying, enlightening, and full of joy in the Holy Ghost. It’s a place where I’m usually reminded of God’s plan for my life.
Not just Christian meetings, though; evangelism too. I have a friend, Dami Amusa. Dami and I would go for evangelism together. I would tell my mom I wanted to go and visit Dami and then go for evangelism. I remember the day we went for an evangelism together in her school—Unilag. It was amazing. I also remember when we met one girl who claimed to be an atheist, and we still went ahead to preach to her. Did we get her saved? No, but we got some other people saved.
Prayers too. Praying and prophesying in the spirit; prayer walks; the time me and Dami met because we wanted to pray. I’ll be mentioning Dami a lot because she was my ministry partner at the time. We were both teenagers who had one thing in common: to grow spiritually.
When I gained admission to the university in 2018, I was very happy because it meant that I could finally leave the house and do everything I’ve always wanted. In 2019, I resumed OAU, and my dreams came true. I finally got to do everything I saw myself doing without any restrictions.
I went to church every day except on Mondays. Let me break it down for you: Tuesdays = evangelism
Wednesdays = follow-up
Thursdays = Bible study
Fridays = fellowship meetings
Saturdays: prayer meetings from 6 a.m. to 9 a.m.; evangelism and follow-up from 12 p.m. to 7 p.m.
Sundays = set up at 6 a.m. because I was a worker, service starts at 9 a.m., and on most days, I don’t leave church till 6 p.m.
I had no issues with all that because, for me, it meant that I was serving God. I was excited, and the realization of the fact that I’m a part of God’s plan was enough to keep me going. Getting men saved and filled with the Holy Spirit, hearing God’s word and praying, attending church meetings, etc. My life was a triangle: from my hostel to class, then to church, and then back to my hostel. People around me said I was too extreme, but I’d look at them and say they were saying nonsense.
I remember a camp meeting I went to in 2019, and during one of the prayer sessions, Dami held my hand and said, “Esther, as long as we’re friends, we are going to do ministry together for life.” For life, she said.
It went on and on until my dream started becoming a nightmare. I started asking questions like, “Why do I need to do this every day? I don’t even have enough time for myself.” My dream became stressful, and I began to run from it. I started making excuses unconsciously, and my cell leader noticed. He asked to see me one day, and I told him I wanted to leave the workforce. I just wanted to be a church member who didn’t have responsibilities. Let me just go to church and come back home because, at that time, I was tired of spending every day on church activities. I wanted time. I had already made up my mind, and there’s nothing changing that. I still remember most of my cell leader’s words, and that’s because he talked to me almost every time and said the same things. He told me that I’m on the brink of backsliding, and that’s the point where all my excitement has waned. He said it was normal and everyone has felt the same, but they’re just emotions. This is the point where I make the decision to either stay in God’s plan or fall out of it. He said that taking that decision was beyond what I could see and that there’s more. In his words,
“You only know now; you don’t know what you might turn out to be if you leave the workforce and decide to become a churchgoer.”
I also had church friends who talked to me. I remember, Bro. Jude, that we used to sit on the first row together in church. It was like the first row or nothing, but at that time, I didn’t mind sitting on the last row. Bro. Jude said,
“Sister Esther, the first row you left is still waiting for you. I miss sitting there with you.” but I never went back to that first row, sadly.
I recall my cell leader telling me that he had no plans to give up on me because he was so sure God wanted to use me, and I screamed internally. lol. I was like, “God wants to use me? I’m already overwhelmed, and He’s yet to start using me. If He now starts to nko??” The thought of the fact that God wants me to do that for the rest of my life was scary. Give me a break, please; I’m only a teenager. My cell leader said, “You’re a woman of God o, and God is not letting you off easily, so you can’t backslide.”
Let me tell you something. It’s easier to want to be a part of something if you’re not in it, and it’s harder to talk someone out of a decision if they already know the consequences. I knew what I wanted to do was wrong; I was fully self-aware, yet I wanted out.
"Nobody is irreplaceable; if you keep trying to walk out of God’s plan, God will keep sending you instructions, and if you keep being rebellious, God will replace you." I heard that one day when I was listening to a sermon, and guess what? I didn’t mind being replaced. I was like, “Yes, replace me!”
Now that I think about it, may I not be replaced, amen.
My plan was to stay away from church, especially the church I was attending at that time. I thought that if I stayed away long enough, God would let me be, and He'd not have plans to use me again. I just wanted to be a churchgoer, not a member.
First, I became a nomadic Christian. I didn’t feel at home in every other church I tried to attend, and it felt like I was doing something wrong, but because I wasn’t used to being at home on Sundays, I tried to belong. It got to a point where it didn’t make sense because it was like I was going to those churches for the wrong reasons. I also tried going back to my former church, but I was not comfortable being a benchwarmer in the same place where I had once served. I also felt like people were raising their eyebrows at me. I almost forgot to mention that every time I went there, they still tried to talk me back into the things I left, so I made up my mind to stay at home on Sundays.
Second, my friends changed. Not like I made bad friends or something, but there are certain people I called friends that wouldn’t have made it to my friendship circle at all. Dami kept reaching out and praying for me—not just her, but my other ministry friends too, and sometimes I wondered why they were wasting their prayers because I wasn’t ready to change my mind.
Third, the persistent reminders and heaviness on my mind. It was as if God kept sending instructions despite avoiding Him. The reminders came in the form of conversations with random people, bumping into a former church member who would talk to me about how I used to be, a text or call from an old friend asking me why I left, and the one time God asked me why I was so bent on walking out of His plan.
Yes, I became almost everything I’d preached against. I feel like the only reason I held back from doing a lot of things was because I had people around me who still corrected me.
My cell leader kept reaching out to the point that I started getting frustrated. I was always screaming internally, “Leave me alone!” He even said he was always praying for me. I must have been a pain 😭.
Let me tell you the initial reason why I went back to church. Last year, I was in my room when the thought crossed my mind that I would soon graduate from the university and that I did not belong to a local church. Is it when I enter the real world and life gets so busy that I’ll go to church? I didn’t want to graduate without a local church, so I started attending my current church. I gave myself a long speech about how I should not go to church without being expectant, how I must be in church before service starts because I must sit on the front row, and how I must be open-minded if I really want to receive all that God has for me in the service. The funny thing is that the pastor preached about being committed to a local church as a student on that Sunday, but guess who didn’t go to church for the next three Sundays? Me 😅.
I think spending the last days of 2023 with the Uzomas has to be one of the things that made me want to stop running because it’s like I’ve been doing myself more harm than good. I stopped growing spiritually; I even went beyond backsliding—I backflipped. This year, I still heard the same instructions again. God must really want to use me because it’s been about 3 years and He hasn’t replaced me yet. Maybe I don’t have a choice. If it were to be in the Old Testament, God would have probably sent a whale to swallow me, or maybe made me blind till I surrendered to His will.
“Dear Dami, If you’re reading this, and if you read to this point, I miss you too. I miss talking about ministry with you; I miss looking forward to meetings with you; I miss the spiritual growth accountability partner thing we did together; I miss everything. I remember when you tried to bring it up again in January, and I acted like I was uninterested when, in the real sense, I was just unsure. I still am. What if I walk out again? I didn’t want to get your hopes up because I feel like I’ve done that a lot of times already. Thank you for loving me so much. I love you too.”
2024. I just want to pay attention to God’s leading without being rebellious. I’m not even going to run away again; doing that didn’t benefit me. To be honest, I’m indifferent. I don’t know how I feel about God using me, especially because I remember how overwhelming I was at that time. But the truth is, would I have left my B.Sc. degree because I found it overwhelming? Why was it so easy for me to let go of the things of God? And yes, my new church feels like home, in fact, home is what it is.
It’s God’s plan, and the only choice or option I have is to follow it.
Cheers to following God’s plan for my life 🥂.
The end, I guess.
Thank you for taking the time to read!
