I’ve never been in a relationship, but I’ve had a lot of relationship issues.
E: Imagine missing someone you are not in a relationship with. Someone you like a lot and who probably doesn’t even know you like him, but you are expecting him to know you miss him and that you want to talk to him. Witchcraft, right?
P: Yes
E: But is he not supposed to know that I like him?
P: Is he the Holy Spirit?
E: Does he not have the Holy Spirit? 😩
Sometimes, we meet certain people who match our energy, share the same sense of humor as us, value the same things we value, are intelligent (I had to include this because I love intelligent people, I’m sorry), maybe they even sort of check the boxes, and you talk to them every day. Talking to people like that every day is usually a trap because somehow, if you’re not mentally strong enough, you start getting attached to them emotionally, and you start thinking there’s more, when in reality, there is no "more.” Please note that I said CERTAIN PEOPLE, not everybody. If you get emotionally attached to everyone that comes into your life, there’s probably something you should check about yourself. My pastor called it emotional instability.
Okay, I’ve digressed. The aim of this post is not to talk about emotional instability; rather, it’s about two friends who thrive in Delulu. Like it is popularly said, “staying delulu is the solulu.”
We had a conversation around things we’d term “relationship issues,” but we have faced them as single pringles.
E: I’ve never been in a relationship, but I kind of find it hard to like more than one person at the same time. Isn’t that supposed to be a “relationship people” thingy? Why am I loyal to someone who probably doesn’t even know I like him? Sometimes, I meet new people, but I don’t get too close to them because my attention is fixated on someone I have feelings for; that person might not even be aware of my feelings for them. That probably explains why I only liked one boy throughout my secondary school years, from JSS1 to SS3. Talk about commitment, am I right? So, like, is this whole one-crush-at-a-time thing normal? It’s like my own is too much.
P: One of the things I’d term a relationship issue for me is compromising. I am usually not a call person; I prefer texting. But when I like a guy, even if I don’t know whether he feels the same way, I’d go out of my ‘I don’t like calls’ rules for him, especially if he is someone who prefers calls. I think compromising in this way is for people who are in a relationship. Why am I breaking my rules because I’m attracted to someone? Am I trying to keep him?
E: Speaking of making compromises, I do that too. Breaking rules for a guy who is probably just trying to be friendly—this is how we hurt ourselves. There’s also a level of entitlement that comes with liking someone.
P: This entitlement thing starts off subtly. You know, sometimes when you’re into someone, you start expecting things without even realizing it. You exchange texts here and there, hoping it’ll lead to more conversations. And when it does, and you’re talking a few times a week, you sort of start keeping track in your head. Then, when you start talking more regularly, you can’t help but notice when there’s a sudden silence. Especially if you see them posting on social media. Suddenly, you’re left wondering why they’re not texting you back. It’s like your brain starts demanding answers, even though, deep down, you know they don’t really owe you one.
E: This is so true. In the beginning, you didn’t have issues when they didn’t reply to you or text you, but suddenly, because you now talk frequently, you start wondering why it’s not the same vibe. I don’t think this is normal. It’s always more hurtful when you’ve fed your mind with a lot of delusions and you just have to watch everything start and end in your head.
P: Another thing is making excuses for them. This is common when you have detailed knowledge about a guy’s life, such as his work schedule, the demands of his job, the distance he commutes, his family obligations, his lack of social engagements, his health concerns, and more. On days when he doesn’t text, you trust your mind to make up excuses for him based on things he has told you about himself. For example, he told you he prefers to receive calls, and you texted, but he hasn’t responded in days, then you are wondering if it is because you texted instead of calling. Women are emotional beings, so trust them to be empathetic again when he respond days, weeks, or months later.
E: Making excuses can also come from their vibes and energy. Like when someone who used to double text you now sends you one-word messages, you start making excuses for them, like saying they were probably going through something or they were busy or they didn’t like the way you texted, etc. Before you know it, you’re already taking the responsibility for their actions and inactions.
P: Yes! You begin to think you are doing too much. When all you did was love wholly. This ends up affecting your relationships with other people.
E: You start blaming yourself for being too vulnerable. It hurts because you’re actually not someone who is very available. There are people who are fighting for that spot in your life, and when you finally decide to let your guard down, they let you down. Maybe we’re just letting our guard down for the wrong people.
There’s also something their inconsistencies do to us. It hurts. I really don’t like it when someone puts me on a vibe they can’t maintain or have no plan on maintaining. For instance, he’s a busy person, and you know it, but that has never affected your conversations. He’s always making time to talk to you, giving you details about his day, and even telling you a random gist in the middle of his busy schedule. Then, one day, he just disappears, but there’s you, still holding on to what you thought you had—you’re still hoping they’ll come back with the same vibe. You still try to reach out to them, call them, send them a text, or even keep the old energy, but you’re met with cold responses. You’ll now be wondering where it all went wrong and whether you have done something to ruin the friendship. They now tell you that they’ve been busy, and you hold on to that again—a ray of hope, you think, but you don’t realize that that makes you settle for their bare minimums because, somewhere deep in your heart, you think that they’ll get less busy and become who or how they used to be. They leave you again, for weeks or months, and then they come back to tell you they’ve been busy or they’ve been going through a lot, and then you guys talk like you used to, they disappear again, and the cycle repeats. You can’t ask them about it because you don’t want to sound entitled, and you also know that it is not that deep. They might not even be aware of the fact that they’re hurting you.
If you’re reading this, stop allowing yourself to settle for less. People make time for who they want to be with, so if someone stops making time to talk to you, they’re making time for someone else, but that person is just not you, and that’s okay.
It’s okay to like someone, but always remember not to be expectant. One thing I’ve learned and I’m still learning is to not create expectations in my mind; it’ll only make me get hurt. Maybe you should try that too. Allow yourself to enjoy the friendship; don’t lose them just because of what you thought they would be. It’s not that deep.
I’m sorry if the “talking stage” you were rooting for didn’t work out. Don’t blame yourself, don’t get worked up about it, and stop trying to seek closure; rather, close that chapter and move on.
Stop having relationship issues with people you’re not in a relationship with. I know it’s hard, but you deserve better. You deserve the best. You deserve the right person.
Happy Valentine’s Day ❤️
Have you ever had relationship issues with someone you were not in a relationship with? What was the experience like?
