February 2024: Help me; I’m struggling.
Is there something called a “recovering” Christian? I guess not. Maybe I’m just making a big deal out of this…
When I decided to go back to the basics— studying God’s Word and praying—I thought it would be easy. But I’m sad to inform you that it’s not, at least for me, right now. Well, maybe it gets better?
I published a story a few weeks ago about how I “ran” away from God. I wrote about the whole experience, but what I didn’t write about was the present experience.
I feel like a fraud. Maybe the word “fraud” is too strong, but that’s what I think I am. I mean, am I just going to come from nowhere and start something I abandoned years ago? Years ago? Relax, Esther; it was just 3 years ago. But, even though. I feel like I have to start all over. I feel like my time as God’s soldier has passed. I feel like God has already replaced me. I feel like I have to shut up and be quiet about what I believe in. I feel like there’s a void. I feel like what I’m doing is not real and that it’s all fake. I feel like an imposter. I feel like I’m just putting up a face. I feel like people are laughing at me. I feel like there’s really no point. Delayed obedience is still disobedience, so I feel like a disobedient child. I feel like I might find myself running away again. I feel like I’m not ready. I feel like disappearing. I feel like... I think my feelings are winning right now. Help me; I’m struggling.
Regrets. Regrets. Regrets. I know people like to say “no regrets,” but I’ve learned a lot in life enough to know that “no regrets” is just something we say because we can’t turn back time. We make ourselves believe we don’t regret the past because there’s nothing we can do about it. Deep down, we actually do. Wait, I think I should be speaking for myself. Yes, I have regrets, and one of them is the decision I took concerning the things of God 3 years ago. I don’t think there’s something I’d do now that would correct it. I don’t know, but everything just feels so weird to me now. I find myself holding back on a lot of things, and I know very well that that’s not how it should be. Maybe if I had stayed in the things of God, I’d be better now? How do I bring myself from how I feel now to how God feels? I know you want to tell me to read God’s word; trust me, I’m already doing that. Maybe it’ll get better with time. Help me; I’m struggling.
There’s this fear of the unknown, and this fear is why I don’t think I’m ready for FBS yet. In case you’re wondering, FBS means Foundation Bible School; some churches call it a membership class. Typing membership class just gave me PTSD. I’m scared of starting FBS because, “What if I run away again?” What if things get overwhelming and, once again, I decide to take the easy way out? I don’t think I’m ready, please. Maybe I’ll never feel ready? Help me; I’m struggling.
I was praying to God the other day, and I heard an instruction from Him in my Spirit, and there I was wondering if I was making things up—really, I wanted it to be that I was making things up because there was no way God would want me to do that. Ah. I know I said I’m ready to listen to His leading, but... isn’t he taking things too far? He should take it step by step, right? I tried so hard not to pray about it, because what if he confirms it? Lol. I didn’t even have to pray about it when I heard the instructions again from another person. I’ve cried about it, I’ve screamed about it, and I’ve gotten angry over it. I keep murmuring, “God, please no,” whenever it pops up in my mind. Will I listen? I know I don’t have a choice, but I’m still trying to negotiate. Maybe me and God can reach a compromise? 😔 I don’t think I’m making sense right now. Help me; I’m struggling
Mental breakdowns. I lost count of the number of times I broke down this month. Sometimes, I go to bed unable to fight back tears. Why? I don’t know either. It’s just one of those things. I’ll be fine; I’m always fine in the end.
I didn’t feel like going for Bible study yesterday. I kept rolling on my bed till I forced myself up; it took me an hour, and I ended up getting to church late. I got to church, and despite all the free seats in front, I sat in the last row. Last row. Guys, I remember how it all started with me sitting on the last row a few years ago. Maybe I’m taking that lane again? Maybe? From the last row to never showing up again? Why did I even allow that thought? Help me; I’m struggling.
Last month, I wrote about a boy in my monthly wrap. If you read the story last month, you’re probably expecting me to give you an update about the boy. Ehen? 👀 Despite all the serious things I’ve been talking about, you still want to read the boy’s gist? Okay, okay, okay. Let me give you the gist. Come closer. So, in February, I came to terms with my feelings and told myself that I’d prefer to enjoy being a friend to him than to allow any unnecessary feelings. I think he’s an awesome friend; I don’t want to lose that. Oh my, I was really hoping this paragraph would at least make my readers smile. Apologies; I promise you hilarious stories in March. I just hope I’ll be in a better place.
I also experienced something like a friendship heartbreak this month, but I’m trying to tell myself that it’s not that deep, so I’ll just let it go. Let me not talk about it, so you don’t have to read about it.
No lessons this month, just regrets, mental breakdowns, fake smiles, and vibes.
March is filled with smiles, clarity, and a funny gist.
Thank you for taking time to read! ❤️
