Dear Future Husband, I Hope You Read This Someday (5)
Dear future husband,
I think we might never meet.
It’s 10:13 a.m. here, and today is July 14, 2025.
Currently listening to Constellations by Jade LeMac
Lately, I’ve been more aware of why we might never find each other.
I’ve even stopped looking forward to the possibility of meeting you.
Why?
I’m not sure.
But maybe I’m just a little too much, idk.
And maybe that has already scared you away.
The craziest part is, I’m not even desperate to meet you.
For someone who, up until less than two years ago,
didn’t even want to get married. Marriage? What’s that?
The thought that we might meet is scary enough.
Now imagine spending the rest of my life with you.
Jesus Christ.
Anyway, I digress.
Sometimes I wonder if I’ve already chased you away.
Because no matter how busy life gets,
I want to make time for you.
Not just you, my friends too.
See, don’t blame me.
This is how my friends love me.
It’s how I know to love them back.
So if I can show up for them like that,
why shouldn’t I do the same for you?
But I’m realizing it’s not always that way with men.
To them, it feels like I’m too available, too eager, too much.
Imagine being a disturbance to someone you enjoy talking to.
Weird, right?
And somehow, I feel like I’ve already lost you because of that.
I hate that showing care, showing up, being present,
can be seen as doing too much.
I don’t want to play games.
I don’t want to be the girl who replies late just to prove a point.
I actually have a life but if I like you, I want you to know.
If I miss you, I want to say it.
If I enjoy talking to you, I don’t want to pretend like I don’t.
But it’s like that’s not allowed.
I’m supposed to act busy enough to seem valuable
and detached enough to be desired.
What kind of twisted logic is that?
I’m tired.
Tired of feeling like being myself is what keeps pushing people away.
There’s this thing called character development.
And honestly, I don’t know if that’s what’s happening to me right now,
or if I’m just… already damaged.
Because how do you even tell the difference?
Is it growth when you stop reaching out?
Or is it just fear?
Is it maturity when you lower your expectations?
Or are you just tired of being disappointed?
I don’t know.
I really don’t.
All I know is that something in me is changing.
I’m more careful now.
I think four times before I speak. I hold back what I would’ve said before.
Not because I want to play hard to get,
but because I’m no longer sure anyone wants the full version of me.
It feels like I am building this very high wall around me, and I kind of like that.
And maybe this is what character development is.
Or maybe it’s just what happens
when life keeps handing you lesson after lesson,
and all you have to do is learn.
It’s 10:37am and I am done writing. Now I have to decide if I will be hitting the publish button or not.
And Let me by Jade LeMac is playing now.
