2023 Wrapped: Love, Heartbreak, Sisterhood, and In-betweens.
When the year started, I didn’t want much. I just wanted to be happy, love fully without restrictions, care with all my heart, take nothing personally, be genuinely kind, look out for my friends, be a safe space, visit four states in Nigeria, and get a job.
To love fully. I loved unconditionally without dwelling on the opinions of others. I’m not even talking about romantic love. I didn’t do that. I did it without expecting anything in return. I’m talking about friendships, family, and strangers. I didn’t mind. I just wanted to channel all the love I have for myself into other people. Then I forgot something important. That I needed to pour the love into me too. So, yes. I’m ending the year with that regret. I regret not extending grace to myself. I regret not reflecting on it earlier. I regret that it took me a “na me fuck up” moment before I realized. I loved other people fully, but I forgot to love myself, and maybe, just maybe, I’ll grow to forgive myself for it.
I fell in love. I fell in love in 2023. Yes, I did. Hard girl, hard girl, but I was so in love. I can’t lie, the feeling was warm and beautiful. I loved every moment of it. Before you start blushing and wondering who the lucky guy is, erm, the lucky guy is someone who probably doesn’t give a fuck about me. I’m sorry to disappoint you, lol. I was fully in love with someone who didn’t know I loved him. What’s important is that I fell in love, right? Let’s not dwell on the latter. It was nice having someone to think of every day—someone whose bare minimum meant the world to me, someone whose message lit up my entire day, someone whose voice I liked to hear, someone whose hands I want to hold forever, someone whose lifestyle inspired me, someone I could talk to while forgetting that I have other important things to finish. The feeling was pure bliss, and I enjoyed every bit of it even though I ended up hurting myself with my delusions. Maybe staying delulu is not the solulu. And please, don’t settle for bare minimums, you can have it all.
Heartbreak. I started the year struggling to heal from heartbreak. How do I explain to you guys that it took me 3 years to move on? and sometimes I feel like if he came back today, I’d still run back to him like a child that was abandoned by her father. Yes, I’m that stupid. The year is also ending with another heartbreak, but this time, I think I’ll move on faster. I think it’s easier to let someone go when you consciously practice detachment. Yes, it hurts, but there’s nothing I can do about it. Maybe I’m now a legend in this heartbreak thing, lol. How am I heartbroken, but I’m at peace with myself? I’m at peace with the pain because I brought it upon myself, and it was going to happen anyway.
I am learning to make peace with myself; life goes on with or without me in it, and I should stop dwelling on should-haves and would-haves.
Sisterhood. God has really blessed me with beautiful friendships. I mean, female friendships. 2023 taught me about sisterhood. I have people in my corner who would do anything for me—people who would look out for me, cheer me up, root for me even when I’m doing nonsense, and people who would do anything just to see me happy. I was so comfortable with female friendships this year; it was amazing. The times I’d cry, rant, scream, and laugh. We went through a lot together, and I don’t think I’d want to do 2023 with any other people. I hope I make enough money next year so I can buy my friends a Ferrari each. 2023 made me realize that I have a sisterhood of women that love me, but I’ve been allowing negative thoughts all this time. I chose my inner assumptions; I chose to believe the worst in people. I was unfair to myself and to them. They were always there; I just hesitated to give them a chance. I held back and thought about how they would receive any news about me that I shared with them. I assumed that they would judge me, laugh at me, and not embrace or support me. All the while, I was wrong. These women understood me.
In-betweens. 2023 was full of in-betweens. It got to a point where I asked God if I had wiped out an entire nation in my previous life, and maybe that’s why he’s giving me plot twists. I remember when I got a job and lost it two months later. I mean, I was not yet over the excitement of getting a job; the whole feeling was still surreal, and boom! The job was gone. The company had financial issues, and they had to let people go, so I left. Let’s not talk about how I had planned to work there for just 6 months and then start applying for more jobs. I got another job, by the way.
I wanted to be the happiest version of myself this year. I wanted to be genuinely happy. Maybe one day I’ll talk about how I’ve been a sad person almost all my life and how I’ve allowed my traumas to eat so deep that I don’t see a reason to be happy. Maybe I’ll talk about how I can be the happiest person in the room, but in my closet, I’m fighting depression. Maybe I’ll talk about how I always expect sadness because, for me, happy times don’t last. I wanted to meet the happiest version of myself, but there’s a plot twist: I ended up meeting the saddest version instead. The only difference is that I tried to stay happy even when nothing made sense. I think it’s easier to be happy if you’re not expecting to be. I was constantly caught between being happy and being sad. One minute, I’m smiling, and the next minute, I’m fighting back the tears. Too many things happened. I was in-between grief and joy, falling and starting all over, confusion and clarity, resistance and acceptance, frustration and patience, chaos and serenity, heartache and healing, insecurity and self-reassurance, tension and ease, isolation and connection — the list goes on and on. I can’t lie, it was tiring. It was as if I kept moving in circles. I was losing my mind. I want a 2024 that is filled with excitement, wins, and happy moments only.
The year also started with me taking a very big decision and also having someone to hold my hand through it. I was told that if I am bold enough to let go of something, bigger opportunities will come, and I am amazed by all the great things that happened this year after letting go of what I thought was my only option. Before I end it here, I think I should tell you that my motto for this year was “She believed she could, so she did.” and I think it’s going to be something that will guide me through my entire life. All in all, God carried me through the year.
I am grateful for 2023. I am grateful for the love, the lessons, the in-betweens, and the gift of sisterhood.
The end.
